You love her. She loves you. Everything feels right until it’s time for the next step. And you feel your heart pull back. Sound familiar?
When Love Is Not the Problem
She said “yes” to moving in together but her heart skipped a beat not in a sweet, romantic way, but in a panic-stained way of what if this is wrong.
This is often how commitment anxiety in relationships shows up. It isn’t always cold feet or fear of being with the wrong partner. Sometimes it’s fear of change, fear of losing freedom, fear of failing even though you are in a perfectly lovely relationship.
It is possible to experience a mix of happiness and anxiety simultaneously. Happy and anxious are not opposites of one another they exist quietly side by side.
The Subtle Signals of Commitment Anxiety
Many people associate commitment anxiety with unhealthy relationships and feelings like fear and loneliness from being with someone emotionally unavailable. Though, what about when you are with someone secure, loving and kind and you still find yourself stuck and not engaging in the relationship at the point of coming towards something serious?
Often times, those triggers are quite subtle:
- A loss of personal freedom
- A fear of making the wrong choice
- Pressure from family or society
- An unresolved wound from previous relationships
Those feelings and fears don’t mean your love is not real! Commitment anxiety simply means you have an inner world reacting to situations that feel like points of no return.
It’s Not Just You (or Them!)
If you have, at any point, withdrawn from someone because they became too much in your space, or you noticed them withdrawing, does not necessarily mean you are not meant to be together. Most often it means one or both of you have some anxiety around committing to a relationship.
This anxiety related to commitment can show up in several forms:
- Overactive thinking regarding the future
- Unnecessary fights
- Sabotaging intimacy at the time it deepens
- Continually questioning your feelings
What happens? If unchecked, these behaviours can destroy a good relationship
How To Navigate Without Running Away
The first step? Recognize it, without any shame. Recognize it: The apprehension regarding commitment in relationships exists, even in the happiest kinds of love stories. Recognition is such an emotionally mature act.
These are steps to move forward:
Have some honest discussions with your partner. Being vulnerable helps to build trust.
Unpack the past: Sometimes it is childhood or a past heartbreak that is causing anxiety, not your current partner.
Go slow: Milestones do not have to mark a certain timeline, rather put together a rhythm that suits you both.
Seek support: With working through his/her fear, a therapist will restore the basis for this fear.
And again most importantly, don’t ever confuse fear with not loving someone. Fear does not indicate a problem, it could signify the presence of a genuine threat.
Before You Go
Somebody can be cherished with the fear of commitment. One can feel grateful and overwhelmed all at once. And that’s quite fine.
Commitment anxiety in relationships doesn’t equate to the doom of the relationship. It is a matter of being human and dealing with a very vulnerable situation. When identified and handled with care, this kind of anxiety can open up an avenue to deeper connection rather than to closure.
Sometimes, love becomes impure: It chooses one another even when everything inside feels frightening.
