In the beginning stages of love, that’s part of the charm: the imagination of someone. You see flashes of brilliance, evidence of potential, inklings of who they will become and in a moment you are investing emotionally in a future that does not yet exist. This is where the trap is: you are dating someone for their potential. It is hopeful, dreamy, almost romantic. But is it fair to them, to you?
The Myth of “Someday” Love
Most people don’t realize they are dating someone for their potential until they are neck-deep in disappointment. Red flags are ignored because, of course, they are working on it. Every argument leads to a more hopeful outlook because they (insert every excuse you can think of i.e. he just needs time); and we deny the pattern of behavior which is personally harmful because we can see how great it would all be if they could just change.
You’re not in adore with who they are as a person. You’re in love with their potential. The truth is, you cannot have a meaningful relationship based upon “someday”. You have to look at who they are, right now; how they treat you, what they value, and whether or not their values fit with yours.
Hope vs. Reality: Where’s the Line?
There is a fine line between encouraging growth and merely waiting for a change. Certainly, nobody is perfect and relationships should be about giving each other support and becoming better people. But ask yourself:
- Do you tend to rely on them to “grow up” or “become more stable” all the time?
- Have you been continually forgiving serious problems, because you are convinced that at the end of the day, they will be solved?
- Are your needs fulfilled right now?
If the person you love is more of a dream of who they might be than a reality of their current nature, then you are actually in a relationship with someone based on their potential. And it could be the moment when you realize that maybe it’s actually not the relationship you want and therefore it’s best to reevaluate it.
Why We Fall Into This Pattern
There is often a higher emotional reason behind continuously engaging in the dating game for potential. Maybe you’re an empath that sees good in everyone. Maybe your world was chaotic and you had reluctantly learned to hope as a coping mechanism. Or maybe you’re a big time romantic, that is to say, believing in someone to an extent is love.
But to love someone, accept him or her as he is. Not who they will become after they heal or succeed or change. Otherwise, you are stuck in loving an idea while neglecting your own emotional reality.
Choose Love That’s Grounded in the Present
The healthiest relationships are mutual respect, with shared values, and love for the true selves of one another. It does not mean one’s partner is perfect. No one is! It does mean you love that person as they really are and not how you want them to be.
If you agree with the possibilities, be friendly with yourself. Trust me, so many of us have been there. The point here is that you are not to blame. You are to evolve now being able to love with your eyes open, grounded in the present.
Your heart deserves love that shows up today and not just stands and promises tomorrow.
Heart Check Before You Move Forward
There are times when the most compassionate action you can take for both you and the other person is to stop hoping for that change and begin honoring the reality that is occurring in front of you.
