Searching the Genuine Feelings Behind Wanting and Emotional Validation
At times, your heart hurts not for someone, but for how they made you feel.
Before you pick up the phone or relive the memories, ask: does my heart miss them or does it miss the comfort of wanting?
That Late-Night Text You Never Sent
You’re lying in bed, scrolling through old messages you swore you deleted. Your chest tightens at the thought of them, their voice, their laugh, how they made you feel seen. But pause for a moment: Do you really miss them or do you just miss feeling chosen? That deep ache might not be about the person at all, it could be your craving for emotional validation, the silent whisper that says, “You are wanted.”
1. When Missing Someone Isn’t About Them
Oftentimes, we believe we miss someone when we really just miss the memories of the person’s presence they once evoked in us. We miss the daily good morning texts, the comfort of someone checking in, the idea that we mattered. But that’s not necessarily love that’s emotional validation in disguise. We’re not wired to long for them; we long for the version of ourselves we became when someone else made us feel special.
This confusion is why so many people go back to relationships that weren’t good for them not because they miss the drama, but because they miss the certainty of being chosen every day.
2. The Addiction to Feeling Wanted
Let’s be honest we all love to feel picked. To be the text someone sends first. To be someone’s “good night” or “drive safe” person. That feeling is addictive. But when that emotional high goes away, our brain tricks us into thinking we miss them. What we really miss is emotional validation, the security, the ego boost, the soft feeling of being emotionally held.
The truth? You may be mourning the attention, not the actual connection. It’s painful, yes. But it’s also a powerful realization that can shift how you heal.
3. Healing Means Honoring the Real Loss
Once you realize that not the person but the comfort they offered was what you desired, healing begins differently. Instead of romanticizing a less than ideal relationship, your energy begins to flow toward validating yourself-the very thing you sought from them. The more we learn to emotionally validate ourselves, the less likely we are to accept crumbs in any relationships that follow.
This does not mean that you did not feel badly; it just gave clarity to your heart. Therefore, clarity is the first step towards peace.
4. Moving Forward with Honest Self-Awareness
Next time you catch yourself looking at their old picture or about to click “Send Message”, just gently inquire with yourself is it really them you miss? Or is it how they made you feel that you are missing? If the second is true, then you can easily become aware of that need and find good and more sustainable ways to meet it.
Start with small things journaling, surrounding yourself with emotionally affirming friendships, and practicing emotional validation on your own. Speak kindly to yourself. Let your healing be self led, not dependent on someone else’s attention.
Heart Check
Missing someone really doesn’t exclusively mean that we want them back. Sometimes it simply means we’re figuring out what the heart truly needs to feel seen, chosen, and worthy. And while others can offer that, the most lasting validation always starts from within.
So maybe, just maybe, you’re not missing them. You’re just missing you, in the moments when you felt loved.
