You thought that the hardest part of love was finding the right person, but now, you are competing against someone that isn’t even in the sheet anymore.
When a past relationship lingers a little too loudly, it can leave you questioning your value, and your place in their present.
When the Past Is the Third Wheel
You’re out on a nice night with your partner. Everything is going perfectly, you’re even about to share dessert. Then out of nowhere, they bring up “that trip” with their ex. Again. And all of a sudden, you’re not just sharing dessert, you’re sharing space with someone from their past. That thing you feel where you’re exhibiting romantic jealousy? That’s called retroactive jealousy and if you’ve ever felt like you’re being measured up against someone who was before you, know you aren’t alone.
Because retroactive jealousy creeps in unassumingly. It’s not always big dramatic stories; it can be the little differences. “She used to love sushi.” “He always knew the best memes.” Even the most confident person can start to question themselves due to this. To make this clear, you are not in the wrong for having these emotions.
Why Do We Feel This Way?
The part of our brain which is responsible for comparison is an amazing device; it is the way we understand the data and judge! However, whenever we realize that we are comparing in a relationship, it is such a strange place to be. Usually, these comparisons don’t even include the ex. They are simply an emotional artifact that has resulted from the spread of our partner’s history. Your partner is likely unaware of the degree to which they mention the ex. Even worse, they may think it is harmless. However, telling a story about an adventure with the ex just becomes another cue that they are placing you on a hierarchy unconsciously.
Reactive jealousy is really not purely about insecurity. It arises from where emotional boundaries should have been set and remained respected. If your partner has not properly archived their past experiences, their stories and experiences spill into your present one. When this begins to happen, it can feel that comparisons are no longer hierarchical but competitive.
You’re Not a Replacement You’re a Whole New Chapter
It’s very easy to attempt to “top” their previous partner by looking better than them, cooking better, or being more captivating. But rest this is where you take a pause. You are not in any competition and love is not a game you keep tabs on.
What matters is the present. What do you add into their life that is priceless? Is it laughter, empathy, or a weird obsession with documentaries about sea species? Whatever it is, it is yours. It has not been replicated by anybody else but you.
In order to deal with retroactive jealousy, the focus has to shift from “Am I better than their ex” to “are we creating something remarkable together?” The past is a teacher. You however, are the novel that is a work in progress.
Setting Boundaries & Speaking Up
If you find that your partner makes constant comparisons between you and their ex, it is time to speak up not attack. Broach it conversationally, “I know you were shaped by your ex, but I sometimes feel like I’m being compared. Can we talk more about ourselves?” It’s not about wiping them completely from your mind. It is about placing the current partner relationship ahead of and beyond that nostalgia.
Also, consider whether you have your own patterns to reflect on. Do you go back and see their old pictures? Do you stalk their ex online? Those are all things that add fuel to the retroactive jealousy fires. You need to let the past stay away in the past, for yourself and for your relationship.
Moving Into the Future Together
Every relationship is steeped in history, but you and you only have the deciding right to choose which part of that history becomes part of your everyday story. You are not the reflection of who they were before you. You are the brightness that this person chose in their present.
Also, the next time you feel those lingering comparisons echo in the back of your head, quietly remind yourself of the obvious. You are not here to simply compete against a memory, you are actually here to create a new one.